Why did he do it?
by nekomoo and panda-chan
Summary: (modern!AU) grief is something we all collectively do a million different ways. These are the stories of the people that grieve over the most unexpected death of someone close to them. (trigger warnings: talks a lot about death, implies depression, and has suicide)
1. prologue

**So the reconstructing has finally begun! (yay~) I didn't do too much to this one but its still a good chapter to read to understand what's going to happen later. alright, carry on!**

It originally began before he even knew what this feeling was called. When his brother gave him troubled looks when Sasuke would randomly dig his nails into his arm. He always asked if there was something wrong. Sasuke would just shake his head because everything was the same around him so why wouldn't he feel fine. Back then, Itachi was too busy with his high school AP classes to take a break from the piles of projects and homework to push him on the forming habit. This brushing off became a normal occurrence and soon fell into the normal routine of life. Itachi didn't worry about it though, he knew Sasuke was smart; if there was something wrong he would talk about it with someone.

Sometimes he would randomly stop smiling. His expressions would switch in an instant. His parents didn't seem to take notice of it, Itachi never smiled much when he was younger so it must be normal. They didn't ask why sometimes he would randomly space out in the middle of conversations, they thought he just had an active mind and he was thinking brilliant things of some sort, like his brother. Sasuke tried – no, strived – to be like his brother with all his pretty debate trophies centered on the curio cabinet. Everything in some way leads back to the phrase ' _be more like him.'_ He could never live up to that image though, something always pulled him back away from that perfect image.

It seemed to get worse as the years past. Fleeting moments of numbness became hours of it, thoughts of disappearing became more and more common, the pressure to fit their expectations – to make them proud – started weighing down on him, till even waking up was an exhausting task. Sasuke started spending more time in his room to do his homework instead of the living room because he felt uncomfortable being where everyone could see him. He would find excuses to stay home instead of spending time with people he used to be inseparable from. He could still hear the arguments between his parents and his brother through the walls and the floor when Itachi decided to visit on weekends. He would pace the floor hoping his footsteps would remind him that he can still hear them talking about him. It drove him insane the sudden waves of misery that would flow over him. Late nights working on homework he would randomly plan out his end: _What he would give to people? Who deserves to receive certain items? Who he should give final goodbyes to? What he would write to them? Would it hurt them even more if he did something like that?_ He would always try to block them out. But, all the thoughts and questions he asked himself built up in his mind over the period of time. Sasuke knew things like this weren't healthy; That thoughts like this lead to undesirable decisions but he knew if he spoke up people would overreact, make him feel worse, they would hover over him to make sure he was feeling better and that would just suffocate him. So, the feelings built up and up; getting compacted and squeeze into neat compartmentalized spots in his mind.

Until it became too much, the constant rises and falls, he just couldn't do it anymore…

He stood on the roof. There was no wind; no nervous rocking steps – Sasuke never even hesitated. His steps were driven and definite. He had made up his mind on what he was about to do. He laughed to himself thinking about how foolish it was to be up there as he stepped off the ledge. At that moment looking over at the skyline and the buildings in the distance; It was like his legs were stone not allowing him to take that last step. Sasuke closed his eyes, another wave crashed down on him, "I'm not depressed, yet, why do I feel like this?" It was a simple question, it wasn't directed towards anyone or needed an answer, just something to fill the silence. He took a step forward, his stone legs weighted him down pulling him away from the sky. Sasuke heard the wind whistle through his ears. It felt like time was slowing down and in the first time in a long time he smiled as he flew through the sky; the waves couldn't reach him from up here.

He was finally free. **CRUNCH!**


	2. Story of the best friend 1

**This is where the real changes happen. all the different characters will get to have their own stories that will be updated at random to make sure I stay productive and working on stuff. I hope you like this better, I think it will give me more chances to really get in-depth to how these people are feeling like i origially wanted to. so tell me what you think, leave a review and carry on.**

 **Story of the best friend**

The church was filled with people draped in black. Quiet cries and sniffling bounced off the walls of the church. They sat towards the back out of respect for the family. Naruto dug his nails in his rough palms to keep his emotions in check. He could feel the strong hand of his now closest friend, Kiba. He could here hear the girls, Sakura and Hinata, quietly crying on the pew next to the both of them. Shikamaru stayed quiet though, Naruto wasn't offended by his lack of emotion, they all learned by this time that he liked to mourn privately.

Naruto listened to the well-written, carefully-worded eulogy Itachi was giving. It was all about what a happy child he had been, always making people around him smile. Followed by the late-night talks about everything and nothing all at once they shared with each other. Itachi concluded the speech with how much he was going to miss his little brother and that he hopes that he is now in a better place.

His own body stiffened up and the hand on his shoulder equally tighten. That was the only thing keeping himself from causing a disruption in grief-fueled rage. He couldn't understand those sugarcoated lies. _'How can you say that you're happy he's gone?! Why aren't you crying if you loved him so much?"_ he closed his eyes to keep himself from shouting something he would regret. Naruto squeezed his eye's shut, tears threatening to spill from his eyelids.

 _Two weeks earlier_

 _Naruto was sitting at his table with all his friends – Sakura, Kiba, and Hinata; Shikamaru was at a tutoring with his chemistry teacher – and everything was normal. He honestly didn't think much about the empty seat across from him; for the pasted to weeks he had been pestering Sasuke to come sit with them at lunch again, only to be given the same response, 'go away, I need to study for the SATs. unlike you, I actually care about what college I go to." He could understand the moodiness stress brought out of his best friend so he decided to leave him be for the day. he would just pester him twice as much tomorrow._

 _When he noticed a break in the conversation topic of the moment Naruto opened his mouth, "so, I was planning on having a small get together this weekend while the parents are out, you know, get the ball rolling for crazy spring break stories."_

 _Kiba gave him a knowing look, "Naruto, we all know your house has nothing that would entail a crazy spring break."_

 **THUD!** _Their lunch table was near the window so it was not uncommon for them to hear sounds from people wanting to spend lunch outside. It was also not uncommon for people to go out there to have fistfights or start small soccer games so hearing loud sounds hitting the blacktop and people making screaming type noises was something all of them let fall into the background and become ignored._

 _Naruto gave Kiba a comedic expression of shock, "Kiba! Are you implying that I would ask my friends to do something totally illegal, like drinking underage? I was simply hoping to have a nice night with my friends and a couple of movies… though if you were to, maybe, bring something of that type of thing over it would probably make you my most favorite person in the entire world."_

 _Sakura shook her head and clicked her tongue in half-hearted annoyance, "Your just too broke to get your own snacks."_

 _Naruto flashed them a winning smile as he saw his friends making plans on who was going to bring while Hinata typed into her phone that she on for most of the lunch for good movies to watch for their "crazy" get together this weekend. In the end, it was decided that they would watch the new Deadpool and make a Mario Kart drinking game._

 _Not moments later Naruto saw Hinata drop her phone on to the table and instantly bring her now shaking hands over her mouth in stunned shock, "oh my god…" soon after a storm of phones getting notifications were sounding around him including his own. The announcements suddenly came on and everyone inside was herded to their assigned homerooms – the people outside were taken somewhere else he assumed because he saw them being lead to a different part of the school – and instructed to have phones taken up until further notice. Naruto and Sakura sat down in their seats watching the door for a certain person to come through the door to complete the corner they made in the back of the class; he did not come through the doors. That fact was beginning to worry Naruto as his homeroom teacher, Kakashi, came in immediately after the last person entered. He seemed very somber and serious, which is a big change compared to his usual relaxed and carefree demeanor. And then he said._

 _It took Naruto a minute to truly understand the weight what was said. When it did, he stormed out of the room in an emotional outburst. He slammed his fist into one of the lockers, the stinging pain shook through his hand didn't even register until later that day. He kept thinking how selfish Sasuke was for doing this to them. "That selfish bastard!" He angrily shouted until he heard the door click and stopped. He kept his fist connected with the wall and kept his head down. His breathing was erratic and he could finally feel the tears streaming down his face; why didn't he see it? He was his goddamn best friend, the one that knows him better than his parents! How could he not see it?!_

 _"Naruto…" nothing else needed to be said, there was nothing any of them could say. Naruto turned his face towards Sakura. Her eyes were watery and her voice weak and shaky. She took a small step forward towards and he threw his arms around her, the weight of his guilt pulling down on his body was so great that he couldn't stand on his own. She didn't hesitate to do the same either and began to cry, "I am so sorry. I knew how close you both were… Um, the teacher set me to tell you that we are free to go when our parents get us; the school is trying to get someone in for us to talk to about, um, everything…"_

 _"I never thought he would do something like this. He always seemed to be the one who figured it out the most." They held on to each other tighter like if they let go for even a second they'll be ripped apart._

 _Naruto didn't know how long they held each other while crying, but the only moment they parted was when Naruto got a text from his mother. She was here to come get him and that drive home was the quietest he could ever remember._

The sky was the usual gray shade it would have in the middle of spring. Around him were people hiding under umbrellas to keep from getting wet by the drizzly rain. They all stood solemnly quiet as the family takes their seat closest to the front. Naruto hears the priest saying something, but he doesn't bother to listen to any of it. His was gaze too fixated on the coffin: It was a rich, dark mahogany with elegant trim on the corners. He glared at that stupid coffin, _"he would have hated it. Didn't they know he was a minimalist? Ha, he probably would have just rolled his eyes complaining that this was all just a waste—"_ he abruptly stopped his thought feeling his own eyes start to water just at the mere thought of how his friend would have thought of this. Naruto bitterly shook his head, _"tsk, he wouldn't have cared. He's the one that started this to begin with."_

Before he even knew it the preacher went silent and a gut-wrenching cry of anguish was heard amongst the mourners surrounding the open grave. He turned his head towards the noise, like most others, to see Mikoto out of her chair with her husband's arms around her waist to keep her from falling onto the muddy ground. She has a hand stretched out to the now sinking coffin. Itachi just sat there blankly staring forward, eyes cold and steely like there was nothing happening around him. Naruto turned his head away out of respect to the women that had become like a second mother to him. He felt the cold raindrops drip down his face from his hair. He wasn't even aware that some of the raindrops were warm tears against his cheeks.


	3. Story of the older brother 1

**this is probably my favorite character stories out of all of them, but I had the hardest damn time writing it because it is so different from the other character plots and even now I don't feel like I do it justice. Now, I have never written a eulogy before and I had to look up a bunch of stuff. so that's not as good as I'd like, but it will have to do.**

 **As I have written this and read other fics/social media, I have noticed people constantly try to either one-up each other on who has the right to feel depressed or even outright say someone's life is to nice for them to be depressed. Don't let people tell you if you do or do not have the right to feel the way you do; if you feel like shit then you feel like shit. anyway, that was all I have say! tell me what you think, leave a review, carry on.**

 **Story of the older brother**

The church was a sea of black and sorrow. Itachi's hands held his mother's trembling hand in one and a perfectly folded piece of paper in the other. He tried to focus on the words being spoken by the man at the podium so he would know when it was time for him to give the thought over eulogy, but his mind was swimming in thoughts that just ran together in a constant stream of consciousness. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his proud father sitting in the pew with the same stern expression he has always had but Itachi could see the turmoil swirling around in the tears his father kept from escaping. He could more clearly see his dear mother. She wept quietly, her fragile form shaking with each silent sob. And with hands trembling, she wiped her eyes on the now mascara stained tissue. Itachi gave her hand comforting squeeze before letting go.

He noticed the man step away from the podium and stood up. His feet echoed in the silence as his foot connected with the steps. He looked over the crowd, a million teary eyes stared back anticipating what the older brother of the newly deceased; their anticipating, accusing eyes bored into him. Itachi glanced down at the folded paper if it was any other type of public speaking he probably wouldn't need it. He took a breath putting on a neutral expression like he always did at his tournaments. "My brother, for those who knew him, was the kindest person you could ever meet. Even when he didn't sound like he was, there was always a kind intention behind it. It feels I always will remember the times we were together and how he always smiled when I would tell him he could ride on my back. I don't ever remember a day when he didn't have a smile on his face." The words on the paper began to catch in his throat as they slowly became blurrier and blurrier; it was a lie, there were many times when he had seen his little brother with the most complex emotions and thoughts of regret being played out on his face. Itachi closed his eyes to recollect himself, "I don't think a day will go by when I won't miss how that smile would make every day a little bit better. But what I'll miss the most are the nights – sometimes one o'clock in the morning – he would come into my room and we'd just talk. Some nights, he would ask me question after question about anything he was wondering about at the time. Other nights it would just be rambling over whatever came into mind and still I listened to every word." His voice was beginning to crack as he begins to say his final lines, "and with everything that has happened, I hope he is no longer in pain and has found a place where he can be happy." There was no applause afterward, just more silence. Itachi's feet continued to echo against the walls as they hurriedly made their way to his spot.

His mother turned to him and gave him a sympathetic comforting hug; her words were jut as shaky as he was feeling. "That was a wonderful eulogy, dear."

He only gave her a nod not wanting to hear how his own voice was going to sound. His mind was swimming in thought and guilt, _"I knew something was wrong."_ He turned his eyes to the man at the podium much like his father but he could only focus on the moments playing out in his mind.

 _Two weeks earlier_

 _The house was quiet that morning. Not a bad quiet, just quiet. Itachi sat at the kitchen table with his warm cup of tea; he never got into coffee. He looked at the empty chairs that used to always be filled with people. Itachi could feel a subtle sadness begin to bubble up thinking how far apart and disconnected his family had slowly become. The rain from the night before was beginning to lighten up and the sun peaked through the thick, gray clouds._

 _Suddenly, there was the sound of shuffling from upstairs to break the pleasant silence. Itachi looked at the clock on the stove: 7:35. The first bell at the school Sasuke went to, the same one he went to at Sasuke's age, would ring in ten minute and he had not even heard a noise from him till now. Itachi knew there was no way Sasuke could make it to school on time at this rate. He silently made his way up the stairs to the room furthest down the hall. Itachi stood for a moment unsure what to say before the back of his hand connected with the cold and solid wood. He could here the heavy footstep storming to the door as it flung open and Itachi was greeted with an irritated looking little brother._

 _Sasuke looked up at him with a bored expression from a partly open door, "what." He zipped up the plain gray jacket he always seemed to take outside with him no matter what the weather. His hair was strewn about in different directions making the back look spiker than usual._

 _Itachi noticed the dark circles under his eyes from late nights. He also could see part of the disarray that his brother's room was from the small opening; clothes and various papers were crumbled up onto the once tidy floor. Even as a toddler, Sasuke always had a spot for everything he owned. "Well, I was wondering if you were ok—"_

 _Sasuke abruptly cut him off, "I'm fine."_

 _Itachi sighed, "Let me finish. I was wondering if you were ok and if you'd need a ride to school this morning because you woke up late and you weren't looking to great yesterday—"_

 _He rolled his eyes, "oh wow, thanks. You have such a away of making me feel better."_

 _"Sasuke… " Itachi said, with a little bit of irritation bleeding in to his words. Sasuke threw his hands up in surrender letting his older brother continue with his sentence. Itachi sighed, "what I'm trying to say is, you look like you're getting sick, would you like for me to drive you in?"_

 _He sighed and checked the clock on his phone, "Fine. I'll be ready in five minutes." The door abruptly shut again. Itachi was once again left alone in the silence._

 _He walked back the stair thinking over how much his little brother had changed these past few years. The boy that clung to everyone in arm's length now hardly came out of his room to do anything for more than a few minutes at a time. Itachi knew that something like this could be a sign for something very serious. Completely shutting oneself off from all contact is not good for the developing brain of teenagers, at least that is what Itachi read in one of the books at the university library._

 _The time pasted as he was thinking. The only thing that snapped him back to reality was the heavy thumping of footsteps running down the stairs. Sasuke slide past Itachi his small frame easily pushing past him. "come on, let's go." Itachi watched for a moment before following. He had changed so much over the years: the neck breaking mood swings, the suffocating heaviness in every movement he did somedays, the dull detached questions instead of wonder filled intrigue. What worried Itachi the most? The eerie moments where the thoughts in his head would leak out into voiceless words. Sometimes Itachi could figure out what Sasuke was saying. It hurt him to watch his little brother be stuck in his own head reliving old conversation, every small sharp jerk of his hands and feet made him want to ask what it was going on. He could never bring himself to though, Sasuke knew to come to him if anything was wrong._

 _The air's chill filled his own lungs as Itachi walked to the sleek car he got on his birthday. Sasuke walked ahead unfazed like it wasn't even touching him. Itachi watched him pensively knowing he hated any type of unseasonal cold. It didn't take much time for him to hear a car door slam as soon as he unlocked it._

 _The light sound of the radio and vibrating of the engine was the only thing that filled the heavy silence. Itachi glanced over at him. It was like a black and white picture taken out of the university's art department gallery. Sasuke eyes never left his phone, they even kept the bored, indifferent shape Itachi had become accustomed to seeing. "so, have you decided what school you want to go to?"_

 _Itachi's words caused him to look up for a moment. Sasuke shrugged, "no, I might take a gap year or something. I've been too busy to think about applying to anything."_

 _"You know neither mom or dad are going to be happy about that." Itachi smiled a bit hearing the promise of a real conversation. "why don't we work on an application over the break? If the college you want to go to has stopped it admissions the application can go to next semester."_

 _There was a moment of silence, a pause made to think the offer over. "…sure, I guess that would be alright."_

 _The conversation died out after that. Any attempt Itachi made was meet with short answers. They pulled up to the school, the rain made the grass sparkle in the now sunny day. As Sasuke made a move to leave he grabbed the jacket sleeve, "hey… have a good day alright. I'll pick you up after school."_

 _Sasuke just stared at him, for a quick moment something crossed his face before he made a small nod, "yeah. I'll see you after school." He then slipped out of his grip. The door softly shut and he walked away. Itachi watched, yeah he would talk with him after school._

The sky was a dull, dead gray. The beating of rain sounded against his ears as he walked across the muddy ground. Grave stones passed by in a slow blur as he walked in time with his mother; he held the umbrella over her head to keep her warm. Itachi never minded rain, it was cleansing to be in. His neat pulled back hair was now becoming stringy from getting wet. They sat in the chairs specially reserved for family, everyone else gathered around them huddled together into a black sorrowful mass.

And there it was, that goddamn box. It was beautiful and terrible all at the same: the dark wood made darker by the rain, and the silver on edges seemed brighter as the drops dripped away, and on the inside laid the person he cared about the most. There was a ringing in his ears the longer he stared, a sickness that built up in the back of his throat. It was one thing talking over the numbers and planning everything, seeing the heavy coffin hanging over that six foot hole. His nails into his palms remembering last time he ever got to talk to Sasuke. Itachi finally remembered the hesitation in his voice when he said good bye.

Itachi sat with wet rain droplets falling down his face from his hair, _"Why didn't I push him to open up to me more? I knew something was wrong…"_ He heard his baby brother's coffin being lowered, _"why didn't he come to me? He was smart, he knew could have called anytime to talk to me."_ There was piercing wail in the distance but it felt so far away that he couldn't be bothered to turn his focus away from the sinking coffin. The thoughts in his mind were like chains making him watch.


End file.
